


Free From Harm

by HappinessisJuuzou (Moongirlx)



Category: Free!
Genre: AU, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Bipolar Disorder, Blood, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Cotard delusion, Delusions, Depression, Drug Addiction, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established SouRin, F/M, Healing, Homophobia, I will tag the other disorders when I write them, M/M, Mental Hospital, Mentions of Rape, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, This Will Be Very Graphic, depressive psychosis, panic disorder, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 05:21:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7495476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moongirlx/pseuds/HappinessisJuuzou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'"I wasn't trying to kill myself." He repeated for what must've been the fifteenth time that day.'</p><p>'"How long has it been since you slept?" His mother asked, reaching out to rest her hand over his. He shrugged before replying, "maybe a week or so."'</p><p>'He was rotting, decaying, and no one believed him, his mother wasn't dead, he was dead.'</p><p> '"How was your day?" His mother asked under a false pretense of making conversation. What she was really asking was, "How many panic attacks did you have today?"'</p><p>Free! Mental Hospital AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, this fic is super close to my heart. I write some of it from personal experience. I hope everyone enjoys.  
> This is not a lighthearted piece, nor will it ever will be, I want to prepare you for that.  
> It is a clusterfuck of possible triggers, which I will put in the author's note if there's anything I haven't tagged. I'm most likely going to tag everything, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

  
Blood.

There was so much of it.

Red and sticky and coating his fingers as he pressed them against his arm, trying to staunch the bleeding, inwardly begging the blood to coagulate faster.

He hadn't meant to go that deep. He was just so angry and that anger forced his hand too hard and too fast.

The blood was still seeping from between his fingers and his whole arm hurt, a dull ache that was his entire focus.

He should have asked for help but instead he just sat on the bathroom floor, his head spinning and his stomach turning at the stench of iron that filled the air.

Black dots danced across his vision and he blinked hard, willing himself not to pass out.

_The bleeding will stop any minute now and everything will be okay._

But it didn't, and it wasn't.

White fog curled around the outer edges of his vision, moving inward, clouding his sight, until he just gave in and let his eyes flutter closed.

\-----

"I wasn't trying to kill myself." He repeated for what must've been the fifteenth time that day. He crossed his arms across his chest, wincing when the fibers of the dreary blue hospital gown pulled gently at the tied off end of the row of stitches. There were ten of them, ten angry looking black lines threaded vertically across the horizontal cut.

"Regardless, your actions show a lack of regard for your own well being, making you a danger to yourself. We can't let you out of our care until we have somewhere for you to go."

"I can go home." He suggested for the fifth time, his voice laced with impatience.

"We've placed you on a hold, Hazuki-kun. We're waiting on callbacks from nearby facilities, to tell us if they have any available beds. Due to the circumstances in which you were brought to the hospital, going home is not an option right now."

The social worker trained her kind eyes on him, fidgeting with her pen before scribbling down another note in his chart.

He slumped against the back of his chair, eyes cast down, tear-clad lashes fanned out over his cheeks. "Fine," he mumbled thickly in agreement, though he never had any choice in the matter.

* * *

 

_1, 2, 3._

He rapped his knuckles against the desk with short, sure motions. He did the same thing once every three minutes.

His once perfect grades had gone to shit. He was failing almost every class because he couldn't stop tapping, jiggling doorknobs, avoiding cracks, counting backwards from nine. He couldn't quiet the compulsions long enough to take notes, long enough to do homework, long enough to take tests.

He couldn't sleep.

The grayish circles under his eyes were evidence enough of that, never mind the bloodshot sclera.

\----

"I'm home, Mom." He called out, entering the house and locking the door behind him, jiggling the doorknob three times to make sure it was locked.

He felt like he was drowning, suffocating under the pressure to fulfill these tasks.

Everything in threes.

Everything he did had to be in threes or something would go terribly wrong. A death in the family, a crisis somewhere in the world.

Maybe even _he_ would die, though that would be a welcome relief from this endless cycle of threes.

His parents were seated in the kitchen, waiting for him. "Sit down, honey. We want to talk to you about something." His mother said, her forehead wrinkling with worry. His father remained stoic, only patting the chair next to him. He only patted it twice.

Pushing his glasses up on his nose then tapping the outer frame three times, he sat next to his father.

"We're worried about you, Rei." His father spoke, his emotions betrayed not on his face, never on his face, but in his voice.

Rei's only response was to rap his knuckles against the table.

"How long has it been since you slept?" His mother asked, reaching out to rest her hand over his.

He shrugged before replying, "maybe a week or so."

He watched as his mothers eyes collected tears that she refused to let fall.

"We're going to get you some help."

His heartbeat crashed through his ears, his face suddenly very warm, chest constricted.

_9, 8, 7._  
_6, 5, 4._  
_3, 2, 1._

He breathed out slowly as the numbers calmed the frenzy that was his mind.

He nodded to his mother, who got up and wrapped him into a hug. He returned the embrace, patting her back comfortingly. Three times.

* * *

 

 

He stared at the tips of his fingers, watching the skin split and crumble, revealing the flesh underneath.

He clenched his rotting hands, feeling the nails give way as he dug them into his palms, pressing the putrid fists against his eyes and rubbing away the tears that were collected there.

"Mom, mom, whats happening to me?" He sobbed, tasting the blood in the back of his throat.

His mother placed a gentle hand on his peeling shoulder. "Nothings wrong with you dear, you're perfectly fine," she whispered soothingly.

"Am I...am I dead?" he choked out, the tightness in his throat making speech difficult. 

His mother smiled serenely, running her fingers through his thready hair. She opened her mouth to say something, just as a loud bang on the door made him jump, his weakened muscles tensing. 

"Come down for breakfast, please," his father called out without opening the door.

He looked to his mother for help, and she nodded kindly, following him out of the room as he tottered down the stairs, clinging to the railing desperately, because he would surely tumble to the depths of hell if he allowed himself to lose his balance.

 

\------

 

He stared at the plate of food sitting in front of him, his stomach turning at the sight. He pushed it away from him, covering his eyes with his pale, fleshy hands.

"You haven't eaten in days. You need to eat something. And you need to attend your classes today, you haven't been in weeks."

"I'm sick," he muttered, his voice echoing hollowly in his ears.

His father shook his head, sipping his tea from a cracked porcelain cup.

"Dad, I'm dying." As if on cue, he coughed, blood forcing its way up his collapsing throat. He swallowed hard.

His father scoffed. "Makoto, you're not dying. You're in great health."

He slammed his hands down on the table, a fingernail coming loose and tinkling to the floor.

"Why doesn't anyone believe me? You and mom, you just... why can't you see? Mom keeps telling me I'm fine, but I'm not fine, I'm not. I'm- I'm rotting."

His father's mug crashed onto the table, spilling out remnants of tea. "Makoto, what are you saying?"

He turned to the seat to the left of him, placing his hand on the table next to where his mother's own hand rested, her kind gaze lingering on his face. "Mom, you have to listen to me, please. I need help."

"Your mother's not there. Stop this, please stop." His father's voice broke around the words. "Makoto your mother's dead. She's not sitting at this table."

He got to his feet, feeling a bone in his left one give way and shatter under his weight. He whimpered, "Mom's not dead. Mom's not dead."

He looked to his mother for assistance and a smile remained on her face, her pristine face, she wasn't dead. And she didn't seem to notice her son's skin falling off in chunks or the blood coming from the corner of his mouth or the sound of his bones cracking.

He was rotting, decaying, and no one believed him, his mother wasn't dead, he was dead.

 

* * *

 

 

His heart was pounding so hard and fast that he could feel it throughout every inch of his body, echoing in his ears, fanning out into his fingertips.

He placed a shaking hand over his chest, feeling the pulse as strong as if his heart was resting atop the surface of his skin.

He couldn't breathe, not properly. His lungs wouldn't fill all the way and each inhale was shallow.

His eyes watered and nausea crept up his throat.

Clenching his hands into fists, he left red half moon indents on his palms.

His back hit the inside of his front door and he slid down it, hugging his knees and closing his eyes, forcing his lungs to drag full breaths of air.

This wasn't unfamiliar, he knew he just had to wait it out, wait out this hell and in a few minutes he'd be calmer.

Until the next one, that is. 

\----

"How was your day?" His mother asked under a false pretense of making conversation. What she was really asking was, "How many 'panic attacks' did you have today?"

"It was fine," he said in a low voice, his exterior as calm as undisturbed water. "I came home from school early, though. My teacher wants to drop me if I keep missing classes."

Silverware banged down onto the table. "This is getting ridiculous, Haruka. You can't afford to be dropped from your class. You can't keep coming home early. You worked so hard to get into this school, and now this? It has to stop."

He looked down at his hands twisting in his lap, feeling the familiar pressure gathering in his chest, his ears ringing.

"I'm going for a walk." He pushed his chair out abruptly, the legs screeching in the heavy atmosphere of the room.

A hand latched onto his wrist and the room spun. "No, you're not. I'm putting a stop to this. Sit down."

The hand yanked on his arm and he fell into the chair, gasping for air, his eyes squeezing shut as he tried to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth.

"I called around. I'm sending you to this place to get," she waved her hand around nonchalantly in the air "whatever this is, fixed."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa meets some of the other patients.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only trigger warning I'll put on this chapter is some vague self harm/blood warnings.
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

"This is your room, you have a roommate, but he's probably in the common room right now. We're showing a movie." 

Nagisa smiled instead of rolling his eyes like he wanted to, and sat down on the bed heavily as soon as the nurse left the room.

He had just been through an hour of being checked in, which entailed having his belongings searched for anything that could "possibly be used to hurt oneself or another person," his belt and shoelaces taken away, and a plastic wristband with his name and current medications fastened around his wrist.

He just wanted to lay down on the hard mattress, close his eyes, and sleep away the last traces of the tranquilizer they'd given him at the general hospital.

But the constant noise in the hall outside his room prevented sleep, and he had been informed that closing the door to his room during daytime hours was unacceptable. So instead, he sat cross-legged on the bed and faced the open door, observing everyone that walked by. People watching had always been one of his favorite things, being caged inside these walls wasn't going to stop him.

But then a hulking form filled the doorway, blocking his view. He cast his eyes down as the man stepped into the room and flopped down on the bed opposite him. He was struck with the awkwardness of having to share a room with this person that apparently was not even going to acknowledge his presence.

"Um, hi. I'm your new roommate. My names Hazuki Nagisa." He piped up, forcing cheerfulness into his voice.

"Matsuoka Rin," his roommate growled in a voice deeper than his own before flinging an arm over his eyes, obviously not wanting to be bothered. Nagisa shrunk back against the wall, tears stinging his eyes for no apparent reason. An itch crawled across his left arm, and he stared at the puffy skin around the hours-old stitches. 

_I can't scratch. If I scratch, I could pull out the stitches._

Having seen enough blood in the last twelve hours to last him the rest of his life, he rubbed his fingers gently over the wound, but touching it sent an unpleasant chill up his spine so he stopped, gritting his teeth and trying his hardest to ignore the persistent itch.

Sitting in this room with its empty walls and nondescript furniture was going to drive him crazy. He flung himself suddenly off the bed and walked into the hall, looking left and right. To his right he saw only more patient rooms, so he turned to his left and shuffled down the hall in hospital-issued slippers until he found the common room.

The television was surrounded by a plastic wall and blaring a movie meant for children to a room full of adults, all with varying degrees of cognizance broadcast across their faces. Some looked utterly drugged, their eyes hazy, fixated on the television or on specific spots in the room.

Others looked anxious, crossing and uncrossing their legs, twisting strands of hair, cracking their knuckles over and over.

"Can I sit here?" He asked, gesturing to the empty couch cushion next to a dark haired woman who was perched precariously on the threadbare arm. She averted her eyes and blatantly ignored him. Anxiety crept up the back of his neck, and he searched the room for another empty seat.

"C-can I sit here?" He tried again. A pair of vibrant violet eyes hidden behind red-framed glasses looked up at him from the couch. Their owner nodded, his face serious.

Nagisa lowered himself gently to the couch, folding his arms across his chest uncomfortably. Suddenly, in this room full of people all preoccupied with their own problems, he violently and inexplicably did not want anyone to see his scars.

He picked up a magazine from the end table and then set it down immediately. He was full of restless energy. He turned to the man next to him, hoping for a better result than he'd gotten with his first introduction of the day.

"Hi! I'm Hazuki Nagisa." He forced his tired lips into a small smile and extended his hand.

"Ryuugazaki Rei. Pleased to make your acquaintance." He grasped Nagisa's hand and shook it politely before turning back to the book he was reading.

* * *

 

_Why is he sitting so close to me? He's going to notice everything I do._

Rei's leg twitched nervously and the pages of the book blurred in front of his eyes.

_It doesn't matter. Its time._

He rapped his knuckles against the hardcover of the book, three times. And then everything was clearer. He could focus on the content of the book again.

He chanced a side glance at the boy sitting next to him, and noticing that he wasn't even paying attention, but instead staring down at his crossed arms.

_See? No one cares, Rei. No ones looking at you, stop acting so self centered._

Just then, an announcement came over the loudspeaker.

"Smoke and/or exercise break is happening now. Head to the back exit of the common room if you'll be participating. After that is a non-mandatory but highly recommended group session." The loudspeaker clicked off with a whine.

"I'm going outside. Are you coming?"

Rei became flustered momentarily before answering in a calm voice. "I do not smoke."

"Neither do I, but you know what they say, exercise is great for mental health." The blond smiled at him slightly and tucked his hair behind his ear before standing up and heading to the back exit.

Rei rapped his knuckles against the book again before placing it on the end table and following Nagisa.

* * *

 

The patients participating in break time filed out through the sliding door and out into a backyard type area. There were basketball hoops, but there were no basketballs, instead there were basketball-sized beach balls.

 _You can't hurt anyone with those,_ Nagisa thought to himself as he avoided the basketball set-up entirely and instead took off the cumbersome slippers and began to jog around the edges of the yard.

With each step he took, some of the anxiety that had been trying to rear it's ugly head all day seeped from him. He relished the soft thud of his feet hitting the grass and the lukewarm afternoon sun on his face. For that short amount of time he didn't care whether or not anyone was watching him. He felt a sense of freedom he hadn't felt in a long while.

When break was over he was out of breath, but feeling better than he had been before going outside.

He noticed Rei walking into the room behind him. "Are you going to group?" He knew he was clinging to this person he didn't even know like they were the only lifesaver in an ocean during the throes of a storm, but he couldn't stop himself. No matter the situation, he always felt the burning need to try and forge a friendship. 

"I suppose I should. They did say it was recommended." He watched as the blue-haired man pushed his glasses up on his nose and tapped the frame three times.

Nagisa nodded and sat down in one of the chairs that had been arranged into a circular formation while most patients had been out on break. Rei took the chair next to him just as a short, brunette woman in smart workplace attire took her own seat and began to speak.

"Good afternoon everyone, I'm Doctor Amakata. To start today's group off, I'd like to have everyone go around the circle, when it's your turn, please state your name, and one sentence to describe any part of today. Would you like to go first, Gou-chan?" She asked of the red-headed girl sitting in the chair next to her.

"I'm Gou." She gave a small wave. "Today...was kind of alright, 'cause I beat Rin at basketball."

 _This group is set-up perfectly for people watching,_ Nagisa thought, studying the girl as she spoke.She had the air of having been there for a while, she seemed comfortable to be speaking in front of the group, was friendly with the doctor, and appeared resigned to her fate to sit in these plastic chairs three times a day. Next to her sat Nagisa's room mate, who she bore a striking resemblance to. They had to be siblings.

"Rin. Today sucked just like every other day." The man hid his eyes behind his burgundy hair, and Nagisa couldn't really get a read on him, other than the unfriendly vibe he exuded.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Matsuoka-kun. We can address that in just a little bit. Who's next?"

Uncomfortable silence filled the room. "Nanase-kun, right?" The doctor gently addressed the man sitting next to Rin, staring pointedly at the floor.

He nodded his head once at the sound of his name, and then fell motionless again.

The doctor smiled kindly, though the person it was aimed at didn't see it, his eyes still glaring at the tiles beneath his feet. "We'll come back to you."

"Momotarou, but most people call me Momo!" Vibrant orange hair and an over-the-top wave caught Nagisa's attention as the boy began to speak. "I had a great day today!" Everything about him grated on Nagisa's nerves, a feat that was hard to accomplish. He had barely said anything, but he filled the circle with a false sense of cheer, like fake sugar clinging to Nagisa's tongue.

"Later, I'd like you to tell us about your positive day, if that's alright with you?" Momo nodded swiftly at the doctors request.

"Rei. I just arrived yesterday, so I spent the day adjusting to hospital life." His voice was dry and he patted his knee three times as he spoke.

"Thank you Ryuugazaki-kun."

And then it was Nagisa's turn.

He never had any trouble speaking, but suddenly his throat was dry and he couldn't think of a single word to say about his day.

"My name's Nagisa. I..." His voice trailed off into silence and he stared intently at his feet before blurting the first thing that came into his mind. "I jogged today at break, and the sun felt nice." The minute it passed his lips he regretted saying it, and folded into himself in the unforgiving chair.

The doctor smiled and gave a generic response that was probably meant to reassure him but he knew just how stupid he had sounded.

He tuned out after that, replaying his own words again and again in his head. His arm itched again and now he wished for nothing less than to tear the stitches out with his too-short nails, if only for a quick respite from the discomfort that was attached to his every thought.

Instead, he chewed on a ragged cuticle on one of his fingers.

This was only day one of god knows how long he'd be here.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa and Haru attend their respective therapy sessions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

  
_I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I hate being trapped_.

Haru curled himself into a ball under the rough blanket. Beneath the brain fog from the anti-depressants they'd put him on were the ever present intrusive thoughts.

A knock came at the open door, startling both Haru and his room mate, who sat up straight on his respective bed, chest heaving.

"Sorry to startle you, Tachibana-kun." The nurse trained her eyes on Haru's, the top of his head just peeking out from the blanket.

"Nanase-kun, it's time for your one on one therapy session with Doctor Amakata."

She waited patiently by the door as Haru unwillingly peeled himself from his bed and slipped on his shoes.

\---

"How are you feeling today, Nanase-kun?"

Haru remained silent, staring at the desk his hands were clasped upon as if he could bore a hole through the wood with his cobalt gaze.

"Would you like to talk about what brought you here?" The doctor prodded gently.

"Don't you already know that?" Haru said after a few beats of silence.

"I know only what your mother told the intake doctors, from reading their notes. I'd like to hear it from you, rather than second hand."

More silence, marred by the barely perceivable sound of Haru grinding his teeth together.

 

* * *

 

 

"Your mother was very worried about you." Doctor Amakata watched Haru for any change in his expression. His face remained blank, eyes refusing to meet her own, but the room was filled with the nervous energy coming off his body in waves.

"No." He said, his tone now biting instead of flat.

"What makes you say that, Nanase-kun?"

She watched as Haru  abruptly sat up straight in the chair, squeezed his eyes tightly shut,  one trembling arm clutching his stomach.

"Are you alright?"

"I feel sick," he whispered, not knowing how else to describe it at the moment. His voice was strung as a tight as a drum, his face paler than it had been before.

"There's a wastebasket right behind you if you need it." Her voice was calm, soothing, and Haru focused in on it like a sailor lost at sea focuses on the beam from a lighthouse. He shook his head, hand relaxing from around his stomach and falling into his lap where it clenched into a fist.

"Let's take some deep breaths, Nanase-kun. Breathe in through your nose for five counts, hold it for five, and release it for five. We can do it together." She watched his chest rise and fall with the breaths, his face slowly relinquishing the tension it held and his eyes closing slightly.

"Very good. We don't have to talk about your mom anymore today, but it is a topic we'll have to touch on at some point during our therapy."

Haru was back to staring at the desk, responding to her words with only a stony silence. Doctor Amakata would soon come to realize that Nanase Haruka was a man of few words.

"Is there anything you'd like to say before our session wraps up for today?"

He started to shake his head but instead lifted it and met the her gaze for what must have been a millisecond before saying, "Can you stop calling me Nanase? Don't like it."

"Of course. I'll see you tomorrow, Haruka-kun."

 

* * *

 

"Everyone calls me Nagisa!" He leaned back in the chair, left arm thrown across his stomach in an effort to appear relaxed when he was anything but.

"Okay, Nagisa-kun. How are you feeling?"

"Mostly tired because of the meds. Other than that, I'm okay." Eyes the color of rosé wine darted around the room, sending the signal that he'd rather be anywhere else.

"Have you had any thoughts of hurting yourself since you've been here?"

"Obviously not," he said defensively. "They check my body every day so how could I possibly do anything?" His voice twisted with a sneer but his face remained pleasant.

"I asked if you'd had any _thoughts_ of hurting yourself, Nagisa-kun."

"Well yeah, I guess. You can't just expect me not to think about it just because I'm stuck in here!"

"Fair enough, but I have to ask that if the thoughts become persistent at any time during the day or night that you go to the nurses station. Our objective is not only to help you work through things with positive coping methods, but also to keep you safe while you're here." Her voice was soft and kind and Nagisa could only nod, ashamed that he'd been so rude to a doctor that was only trying to do her job. He needed all the help he could get because he obviously couldn't help himself. His version of coping is what got him sent here in the first place.

"Can we talk a little bit about what brought you here?"

Nagisa's first instinct was to lie, to try and play the whole thing off as a big misunderstanding, like he's always done in the past, making up an excuse on the fly for why his arm was full of cuts

 _I got a new kitten_  
_I tripped and fell while I was running_  
_I scratched myself in my sleep_

But instead he simply looked down and admitted in a small voice what the doctor surely already knew, "I cut myself."

"Thank you for being so honest with me. What I want to talk about is why. What precedes the urges to harm yourself?"

And that's when Nagisa shut down. His jaw clamped shut and he folded in on himself, elbows resting on his knees, head hanging so his eyes were hidden by strands of gold. And he remained that way for the remainder of the session, not lifting his head until Doctor Amakata said their time was up. He gave her a small smile of apology as he fled from the room as quickly as he could without actually running, something that would surely be frowned upon within these smothering walls.

 

* * *

 

 

"Nagisa-kun, are you alright?" Rei asked over lukewarm oatmeal and decaf coffee the next morning.

"What?"

"Sorry, I shouldn't have- I just- you look... Kind of... Sad," he finished lamely, immediately regretting the question.

"Oh, well, I guess I am. Sad. Who wouldn't be, being in here?"

Rei nodded his head empathetically, returning to his oatmeal, pretending he hadn't noticed the dried blood on Nagisa's inner arm when he reached for the sugar.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We hear a little of Makoto's backstory, and Rei deals with an inner conflict regarding Nagisa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly I want to say thank you to everyone who comments and leaves kudos. It honestly means so much to me. 370 views in like, 5 days. It's unbelievable. So thank you all so much ♥♥
> 
> Also, I made some minor edits to the previous chapter at the very end, because I felt I didn't get my point across well enough, and I needed to really get it across so this chapter would make sense.
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

_But what if I didn't see what I thought I saw? What if I speak to the doctor and I was wrong and then this person I've just become acquainted with will hate me._

Rei was sitting on his bed with five minutes until his therapy session, head in his hands, unable to drive the image of Nagisa's arm at breakfast from his mind. He'd pretended not to see it then, mostly out of fear but also because drawing attention to something...like that... just seemed rude.

It hadn't escaped him how Nagisa always held himself in carefully measured ways, left inner forearm always concealed against his body. But at breakfast, he'd had on long sleeves and must have been more relaxed. When he reached for the sugar, the sleeve of his pale blue t-shirt had slid up his arm and Rei had seen what was hidden, the tangled ropes of thick, pearly scar tissue, the black stitches, and most importantly, the dried blood over two angry red welts.

Rei knew he had to say something, but he was dreading it. He had actually hoped to become Nagisa's friend from the moment he met him, but now that hope was shriveling up in favor of choosing to do the right thing. Rei knew from experience that doing the right thing often chased people away.

 

* * *

 

 

 "How are you feeling today, Makoto?" Doctor Sasabe asked, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands over Makoto's thick chart. His voice was gruff, but this wasn't Makoto's first time meeting him, and he knew he was a gentle and caring doctor.

"N-not very good...I'm really tired." Makoto didn't voice the rest of that thought, but it echoed in his head repeatedly.  _I'm tired because I'm dead and still trying to walk among the living._

"Ah, yeah, the meds will do that. Which is something we need to discuss. Why did you stop taking your medication, Makoto?"

Makoto's head ached as he tried to remember. It seemed like so long ago that he'd swallowed down a tiny white pill every day. Eventually he'd just stopped, and having not been under the care of a psychiatrist at that point, there'd been no one to tell him otherwise. "I... I didn't see a point. Medication doesn't work on the dead."

"Makoto, do you remember your stay here a year ago?" Doctor Sasabe was now flipping through the chart until he reached a page marked with a sticky note. 

"Yes, I think so."

"Do you remember what brought you here at that time?"

Makoto ground the heel of his hand against his forehead. Everything there hurt, the skin, the thin layer of flesh underneath, all the way down to his skull.  "No."

"Your father brought you here because you consistently told him that your mother was alive, when she had died three months prior. You were also expressing some thoughts that concerned him. He was worried that you were going to harm yourself because you kept insisting that it was in fact, you, who were dead."

Makoto did remember. The sirens outside as policemen parked in front of his home, the cool metal of the handcuffs around his wrists, his sobs as he pleaded with the police not to take him away, the fear in his siblings eyes as they did just that. "I remember." 

"We gave you a diagnosis, and put you on medication. We also gave you a name of a psychiatrist closer to your home, where you attended two sessions before refusing to go to anymore, and neglecting to pick up your pills from the pharmacy."

Makoto was suddenly angry, though where he found the strength for this rage, he didn't know. "I remember all this! Why are you reminding me?" His voice was ridiculously loud in the small room, but the doctor didn't even flinch.

"The reason you're back here, Makoto, is because you didn't keep up with your treatment. We started you back on the medication yesterday, but it will take two weeks to take full effect. And of course you'll be having daily sessions with me."

Makoto nodded, numb. His mind was fuzzy. If his mother was really dead, then why was she sitting next to him in the hard-backed chair, watching the doctor with her peaceful green eyes?

 

* * *

 

"Good afternoon, Rei. How's your day going?"

Rei was a nervous ball of energy in the small office. "It's okay." He took a deep breath, before blurting "I need to tell you something, Sasabe-san!"

The doctor nodded, signaling for Rei to proceed.  "It's...It's not about myself. It's about another patient...Nagisa-kun! I think he may be hurting himself. I wasn't sure if I should tell you because it's really not any of my business but I'm worried about him and I thought you should know." He counted backward from nine in his head as his heart raced.

"I'll let his doctor know. You did the right thing, Rei. Now let's talk about you. How are you feeling?" Rei silently wished that some of the doctor's tranquility would rub off on him.

"I'm feeling okay today, just a little nervous."

"And the compulsions?"

Rei grimaced. "They're still there. All the time. They never stop." 

  
"Have you been sleeping?"

"Only because of the medication I'm given before bed. Sleeping is extremely difficult, even with the medication, I fight so hard to stay awake."

"Why, Rei?" The doctor was looking at him with just a touch of concern breaking through his calm exterior. 

"Because if I'm asleep I can't perform my rituals and if I can't perform the rituals than something bad will happen." Rei had done enough research on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since he was diagnosed two years ago that he could rationally explain exactly what was happening to him. But that rationale did not make him capable of stopping or resisting the compulsions. He was as much a slave to it now as he was before he'd had a name to put on his behaviors.

"What do you think will happen?" Rei's fingers were digging into his knees as one hand snaked up to adjust his glasses, not forgetting to tap them three times, never forgetting. He stayed silent, desperately not wanting to talk about this.

"Rei?" The doctor was doing a very good job of not reacting to Rei knocking on the desk every three minutes.

"I- I don't know." That was a lie. Rei knew exactly what his illness told him would happen. How could he not, when he heard it hundreds of times a day? _Someone in your family will die. There will be a shooting. You will develop a fatal illness and leave your parents behind._

"When you're ready to talk about it, we can discuss coping techniques and work on getting past the compulsions."

Rei nodded, eyes fixed on the clock, knowing that his time was almost up, both in the therapy session, and before he had to ritualistically knock again.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Rei." Doctor Sasabe said, not missing Rei's attempt at subtlety as he knocked on the arm of the chair as he pushed himself out of it.

 

* * *

 

 

Over dinner, some disgusting combination of boiled vegetables and too-dry rice, Nagisa could see Rei looking at him over the frame of his glasses whenever he thought Nagisa wasn't paying attention. "Rei, are you okay? Do I have something on my face?" He finally asked, and Rei's cheeks turned an almost impossible shade of deep pink.

"I'm fine." He clenched his lips together in an attempt to prevent what was fighting to come out, but it was useless. "Nagisa-kun, I saw your arm and I told my doctor, I'm so very sorry, I was just worried, I understand if you no longer want to sit with me at meals-"

"Rei-chan." Rei was too upset to even blink at the -chan tacked strangely onto his name.

"I'm sorry, Nagisa-kun."

"Stop apologizing."

Rei chanced a glance at his companion's face and saw that it contained no trace of anger. He was smiling, if only slightly.

"They check me everyday anyway. They were going to find out eventually." His voice was nonchalant on the surface, but underneath that, Rei could hear something darker, bitter like black coffee.

And then his voice was clear when he said, "Thank you, for caring enough to say something, even though you have no reason to care when we just met two days ago." He rested his hand on Rei's arm for just a fleeting second, squeezing gently before going back to his food. Rei's arm was warm where his touch had been.

"You're welcome, Nagisa-kun."

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More group therapy, and Makoto trying to connect with his quiet roommate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super dialogue heavy, so I'm sorry in advance if you don't like that!
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

Being roused at seven each morning to have vitals taken before breakfast was Makoto's least favorite part of the day. The nurse always calmly and pointedly told him his blood pressure, as if trying to prove to him that yes, his heart was still beating. Blood was still coursing through his veins. No matter how often they tried to convince him of that, it didn't stick. How could it when he couldn't hear his heartbeat, when he looked in the mirror and saw his reflection looking back, gray and lifeless. 

"124/78. Your blood pressure's good as usual, Tachibana-kun." The nurse smiled at him kindly as he stood up from the vitals chair and headed into the common room.

The smell of eggs turned his stomach, so he sat down without picking up a plate. 

Sitting next to him was Haru, eating quietly and carefully, his eyes cast downward.

"Haruka, right?" Makoto asked kindly, hoping that Haru couldn't smell the faint, but definitely present, mildew-like odor coming off his body.

Haru nodded without looking at him, chewing thoroughly and swallowing before replying "and you're Makoto." It wasn't a question.

Makoto nodded, wracking his brain for what to say next. His doctor had hinted that he'd be here for quite some time, and that would be much less painful if he managed to find someone to be friendly with. Haru's stoic exterior and methodic way of doing things had interested him.

"What do you think of the food here?" Was the only thing he could think of to say.

* * *

 

"It's time for morning group!" Doctor Sasabe announced, the orderlies scrambling around him to arrange the chairs.

Nagisa flopped down in the chair next to Rei, as usual. To his right sat someone who's name he had yet to learn, so he tapped them on the shoulder and extended his hand, introducing himself cheerfully.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Makoto." He smiled warmly back at Nagisa, who returned it before slumping against the back of his chair. He was always relieved when someone responded well to him. It wasn't a common occurrence here.

 

"Alright, to start off today's group, we're gonna go around the circle clockwise starting with Rin, and I want everyone to state their name, and then tell us your favorite activity. Of a positive nature!" The circle rustled with timid laughter.

 

"Rin. I like to run, sometimes." 

"Gou. I'm a dancer- was a dancer. So I love to dance." Nagisa watched as Rin put a comforting hand on his sisters arm, wondering what it would be like to have a healthy relationship with his siblings. 

"Haru. I like to go to the beach."

"Momo! I like to observe bugs in their natural habitats! But I also like catching them and keeping them!" His gold eyes were huge on his face with excitement, and Nagisa couldn't help but laugh good naturedly. Maybe this guy wasn't so bad after all.

"Makoto. I... I don't do much of anything these days... I guess I like to read." He scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

"Nagisa! I like to eat, and um, I also like to play video games."

Nagisa looked to his left, eager to hear what Rei's answer would be. He was surprised to see Rei's eyes glistening, as if he might cry at any moment.

"Rei," he mumbled, a far cry from the proper way he usually spoke. "I don't do anything anymore...I've been thinking about it but..." He shook his head and lapsed into silence. 

Without thinking, Nagisa reached out rested his hand over Rei's, an attempt at a comforting gesture. It seemed to have helped, Rei adjusted his glasses and smiled back at him wanly.

"Aiichirou. I read a lot. Manga, mostly." His voice was shy and quiet, and he spoke hesitantly, as if afraid he might say the wrong thing.

"Kisumi. I play basketball." 

"Great job everyone. Does anyone else have anything they'd like to share?"

There was silence, broken only by the sound of someone tapping their knuckles on the chair.

"Okay. I'll see you all back for afternoon group, right?" A few people nodded meekly.

 

* * *

 

It was dinner time. Doctor Sasabe had informed Makoto that he had to at least try and eat something tonight.

"We don't want to force feed you Makoto, we really don't, trust me. But you can't keep taking your meds on an empty stomach."

The doctors words played back in his head as he stared down the plate of food in front of him. 

It wasn't that he didn't want to eat. He did. He missed eating meals with his family, with friends. But enjoying a meal with your loved ones is simply not a privilege that the dead get to enjoy.

Haru's presence next to him at the table was somewhat calming, and he watched him eat out of the corner of his eye.

_If he can eat, I can eat._

He picked up his spork.

 _But he's not dead_ , a nasty voice that he recognized as his own taunted him.

Makoto shook his head quickly, causing Haru to look at him, startled, and shoved a mouthful of sautéed pork into his mouth, willing the voice away.

It tasted as palatable as you could expect hospital food to be, but it wasn't the taste that was off-putting. It was the way his throat tightened and he had to force himself to swallow, his eyes tightly shut as he repeated the process again and again, until he finished most of what was in his plate.

_What a waste. That could've been given to someone who actually needs the nutrients._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, Rin and Gou's backstory, ooh!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter include blood, drug use, and mentions of rape.
> 
> I'm sorry if anyone doesn't like that I post trigger warnings but I truly want my readers to stay safe so I'm not going to stop, I will just try to be as vague as possible so I don't spoil anything.
> 
> This chapter was supposed to be written yesterday but my anxiety was like nah, you're not writing today. So I'm sorry for the minor delay ^^
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

It had been a completely average day.

Rin had woken up at seven, gone for a run, then attended his classes. After class he went to the campus library to study, ending up playing some ridiculous game on his phone where you have to try and get one wooden block out of a room full of other wooden blocks, his headphones blaring into his ears much too loudly for the quiet setting he was in.

Since it was a Friday, the library closed early, freeing him from the ever-so-draining task of pretending he was studying.

The air was cool and crisp against his face as he walked home, the wind blowing just hard enough to dislodge small blossoms from trees, their pink petals cresting along on the air currents before settling to the ground.

"I'm home," he called out as he entered the apartment he shared with his mother and sister. He slipped off his shoes in the entryway, an unfamiliar silence throughout the apartment echoing in his ears.

"Mom? Gou?"

He passed through the empty living room on his way to check the kitchen for any sign of life.

He found his mother there, but he did not find the sign of life he was searching for.

She was splayed at an unnatural angle across the tile floor, red hair so darkened with blood that it appeared black. A kitchen knife was buried to the hilt in her throat.

Rin knew without searching for a pulse that she was gone. The grayish tint to her skin and the damp frigidity of her hand as he clutched onto it were proof enough.

He let that hand slip from his grasp as he stood up, knowing he needed to search the house, needed to find his sister.

He walked down the dimly lit hallway, his vision blurred with tears he had yet to acknowledge. He only stopped when his foot hit something, stopping him in his tracks. 

Gou's gym bag rested on the ground in the middle of the hallway, seemingly benign, but Rin knew she'd never leave it there on purpose.

Upon coming home from dance practice each day, Gou took her practice clothes out of the bag and washed them, folding the gym bag neatly into a drawer until she needed it the next morning.

He stepped over it silently and opened the door to his mother's bedroom.

_Gou._

She lay on their mother's bed, and he could almost convince himself that she was sleeping, except for the thick halo of blood surrounding her head.

But he could see the rise and fall of her chest, snapping him into reality. He pulled his phone from his pocket, fumbling with it before being able to dial 119. An operator picked up but for a second all he was able to do was sob through the phone line. And then, "my mother's dead."

He knew not to move his sister, so he sat on the bed next to her and took her warm hand in his, such a contrast to his mother's hand, and he squeezed it gently.

* * *

 

"Rin?" Gou stirred in her hospital bed. Rin roughly dragged his arm across his eyes, not wanting his sister to see the evidence of his tears, but his eyes were red and puffy and he knew it made no difference.

"You're awake." He scooted his chair closer to her bed.

"E-everything hurts... What happened? Were we in a car accident, or- or something?" She reached for his hand and he took it.

The curtain pulled around their room, the only partition between them and another patient, shifted slightly, and a nurse came in.

"Ah, you're awake. Matsuoka-san, can I speak with you outside please?" Rin nodded and squeezed his sister's hand before releasing it and stepping outside the curtain with the nurse.

He followed her a few paces down the hallway before she stopped in front of an empty room. "Since your sister is awake now, we need to do the rape-kit. But we need her consent in order to do it. Did you tell her anything about what happened?"

He shook his head, the color draining from his face. He was dizzy, leaning against the wall for support. "I haven't told her anything. She just woke up." His voice was much sharper than he meant it to be.

The nurse only smiled kindly. "I'll send in a social worker." She turned on her heel and bustled down the hall, back to the nurse's station.

 

\---

 

Rin had tuned the social worker's voice out, it was just a dull drone in the background as he watched his sister's face with narrowed eyes. She was crying silently, and nodding her head vigorously. He absolutely did not want to hear the details. He just wanted Gou to be discharged so they could go home. Except that they couldn't, because home was now a crime scene.

The social worker patted Gou on the shoulder gently before exiting the room, the nurse entering not even thirty seconds later.

"I'll need you to step out, please, Matsuoka-san." Rin nodded and headed for the lobby. He was quickly tiring of the antiseptic smell of the emergency room, of the crying and the hushed voices of people in the midst of tragedy. It was grating on him, and he was as tight with stress as a rubber band stretched to it's breaking point. And just like a rubber band, when he snapped, it would be painful for those around him.

He passed through the automatic doors and sat on a stone bench just outside the hospital, pulling out his phone again and calling the person whose name appeared the most often in his call log. _Sousuke._

He picked up on the third ring, his gruff voice calming and familiar. "Rin? What's up?"

His shaking fingers tightened around his phone, pressing it harder against his ear. "Sousuke." He swallowed hard, his voice trembling.

"What's wrong?" Sousuke's voice was urgent in its concern.

"I'm at the hospital with Gou."

"Which hospital? Can you text me the address? I'll be there as soon as I can."

Rin ended the call, and searched the front of the building for an address. Finding it, he quickly texted it to Sousuke, his fingers trembling over the touch screen of his phone.

* * *

 

Not even twenty minutes later, a cab pulled up to the patient drop off area, and Sousuke got out. Even across the short distance between them, Rin could see worry deep within the pools of his teal eyes. Tears pricked the corners of Rin's own eyes, but he was so tired, too tired to cry any more than he already had tonight.

"Rin, what's going on?" Sousuke asked as soon as he reached the bench Rin sat on, squatting down in front of it and placing his hands on Rin's shoulders.

"Rin." He could see that Rin was struggling with what he needed to say, and he tried to be patient, but he was fraught with the need to know exactly what was happening. He had never seen Rin like this. His eyes, usually alight with a spark so bright it had drawn Sousuke to him like a moth, were now cold, as if the life had been drained out of him.

"My mother is dead," Rin managed to spit out, his throat suddenly so dry it was hard to speak. Sousuke pushed himself up off the floor in favor of sitting on the bench with Rin, throwing an arm around his shoulder and pulling him close, not entirely sure what to say, or how to react. He'd never been in this kind of situation before.

"And Gou...she was hurt. She's alright, I guess. They're doing a... they're doing a rape kit right now. That's why I'm out here."

"Are you okay? Were you hurt?"

Rin shook his head slowly. "I should go back in and see how Gou's doing. Are you coming?"

Sousuke nodded and followed him inside, surprised and relieved when he felt Rin's fingers intertwining with his own.

 

\---

 

 

"Well, I'm being discharged." Gou's face was pale and drawn, a stack of discharge papers in one hand and a pen in the other. "Though, it's not like I have a home to go to. I don't ever want to go back to that apartment again." She took in a shuddering breath as she pressed the pen to the paper and signed.

"We'll eventually have to go home, but for tonight, I guess-"

"You're both staying with me." Sousuke interrupted.

"Are you sure, Sousuke-kun?" Gou asked, flinching as she tried to finger-comb the tangles from her long hair.

Sousuke nodded tersely as the nurse came in and took Gou's signed paperwork. "You're all set to go, Matsuoka-san. Despite losing consciousness, you're not showing any signs of concussion. Come back in two weeks so we can remove your stitches, and don't submerge your head underwater in the meantime. Showering is fine, but no baths or swimming." Gou nodded, running her fingers over the shaved area on the left side of her head.

 

* * *

 

 

"Gou!" Rin called out, and his sister emerged from the kitchen.   
  


"What's up?"

"We get to move back into our apartment. We can finally stop bothering Sousuke." He laughed, only slightly. As much as he missed their home, it was now tainted with death and sorrow. It would never be the same.

Gou smiled weakly, scratching at her arm. "I'll start packing up our stuff. Not that we have much here."

 

* * *

 

 

"Don't touch me!" Gou screamed, backing away from her brother, a menacing gleam in her eye.

"Let me see your arm." Rin's voice was cold, hard.

  
"Rin, leave her be." Sousuke tried, stepping toward his boyfriend and placing a hand on his shoulder.

"No! I know what I saw. She's doing drugs. How could you be so fucking stupid, Gou?"

"Shut up, Rin! Shut up! I had to do something! I couldn't handle the pain. I feel better now. I'm sorry that I'm not emotionless like you. Do you- Do you even care that mom's gone?"

"Of course I care!" Rin exploded. He knew this was his fault. He hadn't noticed the warning signs. Gou was either not sleeping, or sleeping too much. She'd lost weight, and stopped doing the one thing that had always made her happy- dancing. It had begun with skipping one practice a week, complaining of a headache, or a stomachache. Then it turned into two or three, and then she quit the team completely. 

Rin looked at his sister now, really looked at her, not through a filter of his own grief like he had been the past months. She was pale, her face glistening with sweat. There were hollowed out circles under her eyes, which were dull and glassy.

How had he not realized it before this? Why had it taken seeing the track marks up and down her left arm to make him finally understand? He'd been lost in his own mourning, his own self-hatred for not having been there, not having been able to help, that he hadn't even noticed he was missing his chance to help his sister _now_.

"Gou, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't realize until now. I could have helped you."

"I don't need your help," she snapped, her voice biting. "Just leave me alone."

And then she was gone, fleeing into the night, leaving the door to their apartment open behind her.

 

 

\---

 

"Gou?" Rin knew he'd heard her come back into the apartment late last night. He knocked at the door to her room, getting nothing but silence in return. He jiggled the door handle, finding it unlocked.

"I'm coming in," he announced before swinging the door open.  
  


Gou was sat on the floor against the foot of the bed, head lolling back. Her skin was pale, grayish almost, her sleeve rolled up, her ashen forearm littered with angry red circles. Discarded next to her was a syringe, the rest of her paraphernalia in a large Ziploc bag just barely stuffed under the bed.

Rin dropped to his knees beside her, head swimming, blood rushing in his ears.

For the second time that month, he pulled out his phone to dial 119.

\---

 

"Thank goodness you're awake."

Gou looked around the hospital room sleepily, Rin watched the recognition dawn on her, watched as her mouth pulled down, eyebrows furrowing with anger.

"I want to go home."

"Gou, you're not going home. Not for a while, anyway. You're going to detox here, and then they're sending you to a... facility."

"No. No, I'm going home. I can sign myself out, right? I'm an adult." She scrambled for the call button, pressing it multiple times in quick succession.

"You're on a hold. You're on suicide watch." Rin's eyes darted to the hospital security guard sitting just outside the door.

"What?! I wasn't trying to kill myself!" Her voice was shrill. "It was an accident. I just, I accidentally took too much, okay?"

Rin shook his head, words escaping him.

"Tell them to let me go, you have to make them let me go. I don't want to do this. I can't."

He reached out and set his hand over hers, but she pushed it away, scarlet eyes flashing like the blade of a knife. "This is _all_ your fault, Rin. You couldn't have just let me be?" Her voice was loud, piercing through the quiet of the hospital floor. The security guard looked at her sternly without saying a word.

Rin was helpless as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and grabbed hold of her IV, tearing it from her flesh. "I'm leaving." A droplet of blood trickled down her arm.

She took three steps before collapsing.

 

\---

 

Rin spent every waking moment at the hospital for the next five days while Gou detoxed.

He watched as Gou went through the full emotional spectrum, furious one moment, telling him to fuck off, and crying the next, apologizing for everything. He calmed her down as her whole body trembled and as she cried through panic attacks. He held a cool cloth to her neck as she sweat profusely and clutched her cramping stomach. 

She stayed at the general hospital for ten days, before they transferred her to a psychiatric hospital. Rin rode in the transfer ambulance with her, stayed by her side until they told him he had to go.

And then he went home, where he lay in bed for a solid two days, although unable to sleep. He was restless, agitated. He didn't answer phone calls, he didn't eat. He had stopped attending classes two weeks ago.

At the start of the third day of laying in bed, he had just started to drift to sleep when a loud banging jerked him awake. He was immediately on edge, panic flooding his veins. The banging continued. He realized it was someone trying to get in through the front door.

He jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen, grabbing the first thing he saw that was suitable for a weapon. He held the pan tightly in his clammy hand as he approached the door, prepared to swing at the intruder the minute they broke the door down.

But that didn't happen.

"Rin! It's me, Sousuke. Can you let me in? I know you're in there."  
  


His knees became so weak he thought they might give out, exhausted from fear and tension. He opened the door slightly and Sousuke pushed it the rest of the way before coming inside. "You haven't been answering my calls. I've been so worried about you, Rin."

His eyes took in everything, Rin's trembling legs, the pan still clutched in one hand, his eyes wild, chest heaving with every breath he took.

"Rin, it's okay. It's just me," he whispered, approaching Rin slowly, fingers circling his wrist, his other hand taking the pan away from him and setting it on the ground before pulling him into a hug. "It's okay. It's all going to be okay."

He rested his chin on the top of Rin's sweaty head, stroking one hand through his hair while Rin sobbed into his shoulder.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke awoke in the middle of the night, checking on Rin to make sure he was still asleep before carefully getting out of bed and padding to the kitchen for a glass of water. In his search for a clean glass, he closed the cupboard with just a little too much force, and the sound echoed throughout the apartment.

"Shit," he said under his breath, hoping it hadn't disturbed Rin. He hadn't slept in days.

"What are you doing in my house?" An angry voice came from behind him.

He turned to face Rin, who was coming toward him quickly, hands extended. He gripped Sousuke's shoulders and pushed him up against the counter. "What are you doing here? Get out of my house!"  
  


"Rin, it's me. Sousuke." He grabbed his wrists and pried them from his shoulders, wincing slightly. "Calm down. It's okay."  
  


Rin's breathing slowed down only slightly. His whole body was shaking, and he danced from one foot to the other as if he were incapable of standing still.

"Sousuke. You should leave."

"Rin, it's okay. I get it."

"No! I could hurt you." His voice broke and he leaned on the counter for support. "I don't want to hurt you. I don't want that." He shook his head before looking into Sousuke's eyes, a fire burning in his own, not the spark that Sousuke had loved in the past, but a spreading, cantankerous fire, one that threatened to take him over and burn him alive. "Leave. And don't come back."

His voice was vicious, rabid almost, and for the first time since they'd met two years ago, Sousuke was scared of his boyfriend.

"Go!" Rin insisted, pushing Sousuke once more, though there was barely any strength behind it, and Sousuke relented.

"Okay. I'm going."

He left, closing the door quietly behind him, the pit of emptiness and sorrow in his stomach growing deeper with every step he took away from Rin's apartment.

Rin sat down on the floor of the kitchen, the same floor where his mother had taken her last breaths. He didn't move from that spot for hours.

Two days later, he checked himself into the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, okay, this chapter is super long, I'm so sorry, haha.
> 
> Don't worry, every character will be getting their own backstory, but I really wanted to get the Matsuoka's out there since I literally didn't even give any hits as to how they ended up there.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this monster of a chapter!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa and Momo interact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know last chapter was a doozy so have something somewhat lighter ^^
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

Nagisa shuffled into the common room, still rubbing sleep from his eyes. He grabbed a breakfast tray and slid into the empty chair next to Rei, who pushed a steaming paper cup towards him. "Good morning, Nagisa-kun. I got you a cup of coffee, since yesterday it ran out before you could get any."

"Mornin', Rei-chan! Thanks! How are you feeling today?"

"I think I'm feeling a little better than I was before I was admitted."

 Nagisa sipped the coffee, burning his tongue and swearing under his breath. He and Rei had yet to talk about what had brought them there, though he figured Rei had a pretty good idea of why he was there. Rei remained a mystery to him. Nagisa normally had no problem getting to know people, he had the tendency to blurt out anything on his mind, including questions he had for others. But in this place, he tread as carefully as if he were walking down a path littered with broken glass. He didn't want to be responsible for setting someone off, so he bit back anything resembling a prying question.

"How are you feeling, Nagisa?" Rei asked, tapping his spork on the side of the lunch tray.

"Oh, I'm okay!" He said brightly, shoving a forkful of tasteless eggs into his mouth.  He couldn't tell whether or not he meant it.

 

* * *

 

 

 At group, Rei sat on Nagisa's right side instead of his left, and the seat next to Nagisa remained empty until just before group started, when a whirlwind of energy blew into the room, chattering about being late, sitting in the chair so roughly that it pushed back with a screech.

And there, to his left, was the last person at this hospital that Nagisa wanted sitting next to him. 

"Hi! I'm Mikoshiba Momotarou, but everyone calls me Momo!" His eyes were wide with what seemed to be perpetual excitement, his orange hair still tousled from sleep. He shook Nagisa's hand excitedly, and had just opened his mouth to rocket more words in Nagisa's direction when he was interrupted by Doctor Sasabe starting the group.

"Good morning everyone! Today's group is going to be somewhat short, and I have an announcement to make first. This Sunday is designated visiting day for families and loved ones. Most of you are familiar with our visiting policy, but I'm sure some of you still aren't. We have a visiting day once every two weeks, and we try to get families involved with therapy once a week, if possible. We find having the people closest to you involved with your recovery helps a lot with the process. This is something we like to discuss with your families during visiting day if possible."

Nagisa's heart sank slightly at the prospect of his family coming to visit him in this place. He would surely never hear the end of that from his father. It would be good to see his mother, and his sisters, but the looming, disapproving presence of his father was definitely not going to speed his recovery along. 

"Alright, today, I want us to go around the circle and say one thing about ourselves we'd like to work on, be it in everyday life, or to do with recovery." Doctor Amakata's voice rang loudly around the now silent circle. It was clear that everyone was thinking about seeing their families. The only one that looked happy with it was Momo, positively vibrating in his chair with frenetic energy.

"Let's start with you today, Tachibana-kun."

Makoto stared down at the floor for only a second before lifting his head and making eye contact with Doctor Sasabe, who sat directly across from him.

"Once I get outta here, I want to get back on schedule with my classes and try to do even better in school, but I've missed a lot..." His voice trailed off and he seemed to get lost in his thoughts. Nagisa recognized the look of a person drowning in his own negativity. He knew it well.

"What are you studying?" Gou piped up from the chair next to Makoto.

"I'm getting my degree in liberal arts. I want to teach literature."

"That's so cool!" Gou exclaimed, and it was clear that she really meant it. "Oh, and now it's my turn, I guess. I also want to continue my education, but I guess my main goal is getting back on my school's dance team."

Next to her, Rin simply shrugged. "I dunno. I guess I'll think about that when I'm closer to gettin' out of here." He crossed his arms firmly over his chest, glaring around the circle as if daring someone to challenge him.

Doctor Amakata did. "Rin, what's something you'd like to work on in the present? Think about it and we'll come back to you." 

She nodded at the petite, silver haired boy who was seated beside Rin, legs crossed under him, chewing on a fingernail determinedly. 

"Oh! Uh, I guess I want to rebuild my friendships with the people I pushed away because...Uh... Yeah." He stammered to a stop, cheeks red.

"Very good, Nitori-kun, thanks for sharing that with us. Go ahead, Ryuugazaki-kun."

"The only thing I want to work on is getting my grades back up to the level they were before I became unable to concentrate. I'll never become a pharmacist if my grades remain this poor." He chuckled dryly and adjusted his glasses.

It was Nagisa's turn, and he realized he'd been too busy listening to and observing the others to think about what he was going to say.

He offered a small laugh and an apologetic smile, shrugging his shoulders.

"Well, I don't really know..." Everyone was staring at him, it seemed. "I guess I just want to get better so I don't have a repeat of what happened to send me here." 

He heard a few people mumble vague agreements, reminding him that everyone there was in more or less the same boat as he was.

 

* * *

 

 

When group was dismissed, Nagisa stretched and had just turned to Rei to ask if he was going outside for break, when there was a tap on his shoulder. He steeled himself and turned back to face Momo. "What's up?"

"Are you going outside?"

Nagisa nodded. 

"Cool! Do you want to play a game of HORSE with me?"

"Oh, uh, yeah sure. Rei and I will both play." He caught Rei's eye and smiled at him apologetically.

"Awesome!" Momo burst out, grabbing onto Nagisa's arm in excitement. His fingers dug roughly into the tender flesh, and Nagisa pulled his arm away, wincing.

"I'll meet you guys outside." Nagisa stood, leaving Rei to fend for himself with Momo.

He headed for the bathroom, locking himself in a stall and leaning against the cool metal wall. 

He pushed up the sleeve of his pink knit sweater, assessing the damage that Momo's rough grasp on his arm had done. The skin around his stitches was pink and irritated looking, and a dull ache was emanating from the wound.

More than that, he was unable to shake the feeling of unease that came over him when Momo grabbed him. Memories of his fathers grip tightening around his arm as he spat foul, hateful things in his face plagued him. He shook his head, calming his breathing and plastering on a smile before going out to the break area and joining Rei and Momo for a game of horse.

"Nagisa! We waited for you!" Momo called out as soon as he laid eyes on him, dribbling the beach ball for tossing it to him.

He caught it with two hands, and they began the game. 

* * *

"Man, I can't believe you kicked my ass, Nagisa-kun!" Momo whined as they put away the ball and headed back inside, the air conditioning welcoming after 20 minutes with the hot sun beating down on them.

"Yeah, I used to play with my sisters a lot." He took his bangs out of the tiny ponytail he'd put them in while playing outside, wishing he could take off his sweater, be as free as Rei and Momo in their short sleeved t-shirts. But that was not in the cards for him.

 

Nagisa tossed and turned that night, his sleep fragmented by nightmares from which he woke up unable to catch his breath, digging his nails into the palms of his hands until he could calm down. And repeat. 

It would've been easier to shake them off had the nightmares not been rooted in reality. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa's backstory. Woo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand we're back to our previously scheduled angst.
> 
> Warnings: Homophobia, hate speech, self harm.
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

 _I must be different,_ is what Nagisa had always thought of himself, ever since he was old enough to understand such things.

He saw it in the way his father interacted with him, or rather, didn't. He watched silently as his father doted over his older sisters, the way he called out after them "Have a good day at school!" when they left for the bus, and how he drank in their childish stories of their days at middle school, told over dinner. How he only parented Nagisa when he had to, when his wife wasn't around.

It was only Nagisa's mother, who read him bedtime stories, her soft voice like a lullaby, reading words he didn't always understand accompanied by brightly colored pictures, until his eyes drifted shut. When he was sick, it was his mother who took his temperature, his sisters who brought him pastel medicine to sip, flavored like candy but with a bitter edge.

He always tried his hardest, tried to do everything right, to make his father happy. But whether it was good grades, a piece of art handmade at school, or learning to ride a bike without training wheels much faster than any of his sisters had, none of it was ever enough to get his father's attention. His mother loved him enough for both parents, and he got along well with his sisters, at least up until the moment when he began to blame his father's behavior on them, when resentment settled in his stomach, heavy and cold. But none of it was ever enough. He sought the love and admiration of his father, whose hard exterior was unwavering when it came to his only son.

And then, in his second year of middle school, he got his first crush. And if only to present himself with more proof that he was _different_ , that he always had been, his first crush was on a boy.

He had always gotten along well with the girls in his classes, happy to chatter for hours on end with them, to pass notes to them in his loopy handwriting, to listen as they confided in him about their crushes, eyes widening and cheeks pink. And he saw how pretty they were, he watched their eyes sparkle when they laughed, fingers covering lips to stifle the sound, he saw their beauty and he appreciated it. He assumed the vague feeling of attachment he felt for his female friends was what a crush must feel like, and it really wasn't all that. He didn't understand why everyone made such a big deal over it.

And then, halfway through his second year, a new student transferred in. He stood in front of the class, giving a hasty introduction, blue eyes so dark they were almost black darted around the room, navy locks of straight hair tousled from the wind outside, and it was only then that Nagisa felt his heart skip a beat the way they describe in movies. He made it a point to talk to the new student, Okamura Kei, as much as possible, and so the two of them became friends.

It was also around this time that Nagisa's father went from being as detached from his son as possible, to being outright mean. Disgruntled sighs while Nagisa was speaking, snide comments made under his breath. In his eyes Nagisa was  _too short, too thin, his hair was too long, he sounded like a girl._ Nagisa knew that all these things were true. He was shorter than most boys his age, and his wavy hair and large eyes gave him a soft appearance, not hardened and rugged like the men on television. He'd come to accept that about himself, but hearing it from his father chipped away at that new found self confidence, implanting the idea in his head that being himself was wrong. He loved his mother, his sisters and his friends, and he pretended that was enough, that his father's disapproval wasn't dragging him down, that he could handle it, but each new day brought another hairline crack in his porcelain resolve. 

On a humid August day in his last year of middle school, there was one crack too many, and he shattered completely, caving in on himself.

 

* * *

 

 

_Sent message to: Kei-chan (8:12)_

_Mornin Kei-chan! R u ready 4 the carnival?! My mom says 2 be at our house by 11! See u soon ✿◕ ‿ ◕✿_

 

_Message from: Kei-chan (8:15)_

_I cant wait!! :D_

 

The morning had begun filled with excitement, the first day of the annual carnival. Nagisa and his family went every year without fail, and this year, his mother had invited along Kei, the only person among all his friends that he'd ever wanted to introduce to his family.

Kei arrived at eleven on the dot, greeting Nagisa's mother and sisters warmly as they waited by the door. The only person missing was Nagisa's father, who came downstairs at the last minute before they had to leave.

He looked at Nagisa with disdain, his eyes narrowing. "Go upstairs and change." His words were heavy with disgust, and Nagisa was puzzled, grabbing the hem of his lavender shirt and peering down at it, and it's accompanying coral shorts.

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing? It's hot out!"

"Change your clothes, or you're not going with us. I'm not going to be seen in public with my son looking like some kind of faggot." The words hit Nagisa like a slap in the face, but surely this was more painful than any mere slap could be.

He cast a side glance at Kei, seeing his friend's discomfort, wishing he could apologize. But instead we went upstairs, head down, hair hanging in his face, successfully hiding the tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

He changed from his pastel summer attire into something more _suitable,_ but also much too warm for this heat. He no longer wanted to go to the carnival, and he didn't want to face Kei again, after what his father had said.

But he steeled himself and went back downstairs, putting on a smile, and that was the first day out of many that his bright grin began to dull.

 

\---

 

"Kei-chan! Lets go on the Ferris wheel!" The carnival was just as beautiful as it was every summer, set up by a bridge that overlooked the ocean. The ebb and flow of the tide, the laughs and shouts of children happily playing, the birds swooping about, it was all soothing, peaceful.

He raced his friend to the Ferris wheel, the hot wind blowing his hair back off his face, Kei running behind him, struggling to keep up.

It was early still, too hot for most people's liking, and so they were the only ones on the Ferris wheel.

When their gondola reached the top, Kei looked at Nagisa suddenly, his gaze intense. "Nagi...about what your dad said,"

"Oh! We don't have to talk about that Kei-chan." He smiled with all the falseness of fluorescent lights. 

"We kinda do... What he said was really mean. Just because you dress how you want...doesn't mean you're gay. And even if you were, it doesn't matter. He's your dad, he's supposed to love you no matter what..."

And then Nagisa was crying, tears streaming down his face only to dry almost instantly under the suns rays, leaving his face sticky.

"What about you, Kei-chan?" He asked, voice muffled by his hands, placed over his face. His friend looked at him, puzzled.

Nagisa gazed out over the ledge of the gondola, the movement of the ocean reflecting back onto his rosy irises.

"Would you still be my friend?"

"Duh! You're my best friend, Nagi. I don't care who you like!" He gave Nagisa's shoulder a playful shove before becoming solemn, resting a comforting hand on that same shoulder. "Seriously, it's okay."

Nagisa simply smiled back at his friend, the warmth of acceptance coursing through his veins, words escaping him for the moment.

\---

 

Kei's mother picked him up after the carnival, and Nagisa endured yet another night of not being able to meet his father's eyes, of harsh words muttered under exhales across the dinner table.

It was when he was laying on his bed after dinner, reading one of Nanako's discarded magazines, that a knock came at his door, too quiet to be his father.

"Come in!" He called, and his mother entered the room, her face drawn and pale.

"Mom? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Nagisa...Okamura-san just called us. Kei and his mother were in an accident on their way home."

Nagisa could hear his pulse distinctly, pounding in his ears. Time seemed to have stopped. "Are they...okay?"

His mother sat down next to him, grasping his hand tightly. "Kei didn't make it."

 

* * *

 

 

The next month was a blur. There was the funeral, and then there was nothing. No more Kei-chan. There was no school to occupy Nagisa. He sat at home, staring at the walls, only leaving his house when his mother or sisters forced him to. His father was content to let him sit in his room. It meant he didn't have to look at him.

It was dinner time the night before school resumed. Nagisa was quiet as usual, not having the energy to pretend everything was alright, when it absolutely wasn't. Kei was gone. 

"You know," his father started, his tone setting Nagisa on edge. "It's a shame that your friend died, but I just can't be as upset about it as all of you seem to be." He took a swig of his beer. "I feel bad for his parents, losing a kid can't be easy. But the world doesn't need more faggots. There's enough of 'em as it is." He narrowed his eyes at Nagisa.

Before he knew it he was standing up, chair tipping over behind him. "Kei wasn't gay! But even if he was, who cares?!" Rage was bubbling up inside him, threatening to boil over. "I hate you." 

His father stood up from his chair, his presence looming over Nagisa. "What did you say? You're lucky I don't throw you out of here, make you live on the streets, see how much you like being a homo then."

 

\---

 

That night was the first time that Nagisa harmed himself.

They started out as small scratches, in innocuous places. Easily explained if they were seen.

He spent his three years of high school staying away from home as much as possible, studying in public libraries instead of in his room, staying at friend's houses whenever he could. 

But he always had to go home, and when he did, the environment was frigid. His father looked at him with such hatred that it chilled him to his core. He'd driven away his sisters, hating them for being so perfect when he was obviously so flawed. His mother tried to be a neutral party, but that wasn't enough for him. He didn't understand how she could sit back and watch her husband break down one of her children day by day.

He never doubted that it was his own fault, his fault for being gay, his fault for not being the masculine son his father wanted. He never once stopped to think that it was his father that was to blame for being so full of hate.

No one questioned him when he began to wear long sleeves all the time, even in summer.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"You're twenty years old! You should have a full time job by now, you should be out of your parents house. You're just as useless as you've always been. I wish we'd stopped having kids after having Nami. If I had known you were going to be such a disappointment..."

"As much as I would love to move out, I can't afford it working where I do, and you know that. Trust me, as soon as I can, I'll be out of here. And you'll never see me again," he spat, his hands clenched into fists.

"That can't happen soon enough for me. If it was up to me I'd send you packing, have you on the streets, selling your body. That's the only thing you'll ever be good for. Be thankful for your mother kid, she's the only reason you're still here."

He turned on his heel. He'd heard enough. Tears were welling in his eyes and he couldn't let his father see him cry. The scarred arm under his sweater was itching for more pain, the pain he knew he deserved.

He tried to walk away but his father grabbed his arm, pulling him back. It was the first time he'd touched him in years, since he was a kid, and it was only to inflict pain. 

"You don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you. I don't care what your mother says anymore. I can't stand to look at your face anymore, you fucking fairy. Get out. Get out of my house." 

Nagisa ripped his arm from his father's grasp and smiled up at him. "Okay, dad." 

He bounded up the stairs, rushing wildly into his room, throwing things into his backpack.

But before he could finish his packing, he ended up in the bathroom, blade in hand.

_I've always been different. It's because of who I am that he hates me so much. I've tried to change but I couldn't._

One quick flash of the blade later, and he didn't come to until he was in the ambulance _._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, I'm sorry. This got out of hand, maybe. I don't know. I feel like my angst is too much for some people and I'm so sorry if that's the case. This is what my brain comes up with.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

Rin started awake, his eyes instinctively finding the digital clock on the wall. 2:34 glowed in large green numbers. He lay motionless on the thin mattress, brain on high alert, muscles tense. And then he heard it again, the sound that must've woken him up.

It was the sound of crying, the sobs punctuated by sharp intakes of breath. He sat on the edge of his bed, looking across the room at his roommate's bed, awash with the glow of the clock, the only light in the room.

His roommate was curled into a ball on his side, clutching his pillow to his chest. Rin stood up and closed the short distance between his roommate's bed and his own. He stretched out a hand and it hovered over the boy's shoulder, hesitating before shaking him gently.

"Er, you okay? Wake up. Oi, Hazuki!" His voice grew in volume and finally Nagisa's eyes snapped open.

"S'going on..." He mumbled through a yawn, staring up at Rin in confusion.

"Dunno, you were having a nightmare or something." Rin ran a hand through his hair awkwardly and shuffled back to his own bed, sitting heavily on the edge of the mattress.

"Oh... Sorry I woke you, Matsuoka-kun!"

"Don't worry about it. And just call me Rin."

Nagisa smiled. "Okay, Rin-chan!"

Rin grimaced at the -chan, before deciding it was too early in the morning for him to care all that much.

"Oh, and Rin-chan? You can call me Nagisa."

Rin didn't want to admit that the only reason he'd called him by his last name was because he hadn't been able to remember his first.

"Alright, well, I'm going back to sleep now. Night."

Rin lay back down, aware that Nagisa's eyes were still on him. He looked across the room from under half closed eyelids, finding Nagisa sitting with his back against the wall, still cradling the pillow. He sighed.

"Aren't you going to go back to sleep? We still have hours before wake-up rounds." He mumbled, throwing his arm across his face, shielding his eyes from the clock that seemed to be mocking him, counting down the hours until the day begun.

"I don't think I can." Nagisa said in a small voice. "Rin-chan, can I ask you something?"

Rin was pretty sure that even if he said no, Nagisa would ask anyway. "Sure."

"Are you nervous about visiting day?"

"Not really. My sister and I don't have any family left, so no one ever shows up." He couldn't help the bitterness that came through in his tone.

"I'm sorry Rin-chan, that must be awful."

"S'fine. We're used to it by now. Is that why you can't sleep. Nervous about today?" Maybe if he let this boy he didn't even know talk to him about his problems, Nagisa would be able to go back to sleep, and then Rin could, too.

"Yeah, I am. My family's coming and I don't want to see them." Rin took his arm off his face just in time to see Nagisa hug his knees tightly to his chest.

"That what your nightmare was about?" 

Nagisa nodded. 

"I'm gonna try and go back to sleep now, sorry again for waking you, Rin-chan."

Rin grunted in response and rolled over to face the wall, hearing the rustling of sheets that meant Nagisa was laying down too. It only took Rin five minutes to fall back into a fitful sleep, peppered with the nightmares he'd grown used to.

 

\---

 

"Morning Rin!" His sister greeted him brightly, holding out a cup of coffee. He raised his eyebrows and took the coffee from her.

"You're cheerful." He grabbed a breakfast tray and handed it to her before taking one for himself.

"I called Sousuke!" Gou blurted, midway through the action of putting creamer in her own coffee.

Rin felt the color drain from his face, his stomach twisting with some emotion he couldn't name. "You did what?"

"I'm sorry! I just knew he'd be worried and I had to let him know what happened to you. It's been three months Rin!" She paused and took a sip of coffee, speaking the next words more to the paper cup than to Rin. "He said he'll be here today. He misses you."

"You can call him back, and tell him not to come. I don't want to see him." Each word was punctuated with a stab of his spork into the dry pancakes on his plate.

"Rin. He's driving two hours to come see you. I should've called him months ago, but I was waiting until you were more stable." She reached across the table and rested her hand on her brother's. "You can do this. You're ready to see him."

 

* * *

 

 

"Good morning, Haruka-kun." Makoto smiled and set his tray down next to Haru's. He cut his pancakes up into small pieces before attempting to eat them. He found that the smaller the bite, the less his throat closed up when he tried to swallow.

"Good morning." Haru's voice was taut. Makoto noticed that he wasn't eating, instead gripping the edge of the table and staring down at his food. His hair was an inky curtain over his eyes, making him even less readable than usual.

"Are you okay?"

Haru nodded almost imperceptibly. 

The loudspeaker clicked on, producing only empty air for a few seconds before a nurse spoke into the mic. "Good morning, this is a reminder that there will be no group this morning. Visiting hours open up at eight and remain open until four. If you have any questions please come to the nurses station."

Makoto's eyes found the clock. 7:40. He expected his father would be there at eight on the dot, he was never late for anything. He also expected that his father would have many questions, about how he was feeling, if he was participating in his treatment. Questions Makoto didn't know the answers to.

He had moments of clarity, moments where he looked in the mirror and saw his eyes bright and full of life, his skin clear and with a healthy amount of color, moments where he could almost believe that he was alive.

But those moments were outweighed by the times when his legs felt as if they weighted down by rocks, each step he took zapped his energy, when he remembered that no, he was not alive. He was dead, and yet was still here among the living, an impostor.

Doctor Sasabe kept telling him that the meds would take time, and he kept nodding in acknowledgement, instead of telling him to keep his medication, give it to someone who needed it. There was no drug in the world that could fix him. 

He didn't have any news for his father, no matter how much he wished he did.

\---

When his father walked through the door at exactly eight, the twins trailing behind him, Makoto was overwhelmed with how happy he was to see his family. 

Upon seeing him, Ren and Ran let go of their father and threw themselves at Makoto. He smiled against the emotion forming a lump in his throat, and bent down to hug them. 

"How have you guys been? Still doing well in school?" He ruffled Ren's hair, who scowled in return. It was the most common expression on the young boy's face ever since he started his second year of middle school, whereas Ran had become more cheerful, always full of energy.

"I'm doing good, big brother. And I decided to join the soccer club!"

"That's great, Ran." His sister held tightly to his hand as he led them into the common room.

They sat down at a table, where Ran scooted her chair as close as possible to Makoto's, and Ren pushed his out from the table and slumped into it. His father fiddled with his watch, something he only did when he was nervous, a habit Makoto had picked up from him. If his own watch hadn't been taken and put in a safe upon arrival, he'd be twisting the band around his wrist at that moment.

"So, Makoto, how's your treatment going?" His father asked, getting right to the point.

Makoto cast a side glance at the twins, wondering how much they knew. 

"It's good," he lied, smiling. 

 

* * *

 

 

Haru sat in a corner of the common room, eyes fixed on the clock. The pit in his stomach deepened with each minute that passed. He hadn't expected his mother to show up, but the reality that she actually wasn't going to was setting in, and he had to force his face into a nonchalant expression when all he wanted to do was run to his room and hide under the covers. 

He turned his thoughts to his "happy place," as Doctor Amakata called it. His was the beach. He imagined sitting on the shore, close enough so the tide could nip at his toes, the sand warm underneath him and the sun warm above him. He could almost hear the seagulls chattering over the rhythmic sound of the tide coming in and going out. 

He was just beginning to relax when the screech of a chair being pulled out dragged him from his thoughts. 

The room was filling up, and a family was now occupying the table next to him. It was the pink haired boy whose name he couldn't remember, accompanied by a woman with the exact same shade of hair.

Haru tried to block out their conversation, but they were just so _loud._

Fiveminutes later, an equally loud blond man joined them, holding the hand of a little boy with hair the color of coral. He was the only quiet one in the bunch. 

Haru tried to go back to the beach, but the tide was now drowned out by loud, forced laughs, and the phrase "I'm getting better, Mom! I swear!" echoed over the calls of the seagulls.

Haru rolled his eyes and went back to staring at the clock.

 

* * *

 

"Hi, Mom, Nami. Dad. " Nagisa barely had time to get out his greetings before his sister was pulling him into a hug so tight he could barely breathe. 

She released him and slapped him on the shoulder, gently, the pink eyes staring him down were a mirror image of his own. 

"Do you have any idea how scary that was Nagi? I thought you were dead!" Her voice was too loud and was definitely attracting attention. 

"Nami-chan... I'm sorry." He said in an attempt to quiet her down. It worked, if only for the time being.

"Let's go find a table." He smiled at his mother, and avoided eye contact with his father.

"So what have you guys been up to?" He broached the awkward silence, scratching at his  face uncomfortably. 

"Besides paying for your hospital bills, you mean?" His father spoke up, his voice cold. 

"I'll pay you back." Nagisa said quietly, panic already starting to tickle at the edges of his mind. 

"Oh, I'm sure you will. This little stunt will probably get you fired from your job, God only knows how long you'll be here." 

Before he could respond, his mother spoke, tucking a strand of golden hair behind her ear. "How are you feeling, Nagisa? Are they helping you here?"

His father snorted derisively.

"Yeah, I guess they are. I have therapy every day." He left out the fact that he had stopped speaking in therapy days ago.

"There's only one kind of therapy you need." His father muttered.

Something snapped inside Nagisa. "Dad, why did you even come here?"

"I wanted to see if it was worth the money I'm paying for you to have a little vacation." His voice was a sneer, filled with hate. "People these days think they can just check themselves out of life, spoiled brats who don't get what they want-"

Nagisa pushed back his chair abruptly, his head spinning. "I have to go to the bathroom," he choked out.

 

* * *

 

 Rei's visit with his parents was easy, calming even. Their questions were kind, never prying, and they watched him with caring eyes.

 "I can't really say that I've gotten better since I've been here, but the therapy is promising, so once the medication starts to work and I'm more calm, I believe that I'll begin to show improvement." He pushed up his glasses routinely, unsure how much of what he'd just said was true.

His mother smiled at him, and his father nodded, before launching into a discussion about what was going on at home.

Rei welcomed the distraction, the flowing conversation, without any hesitance or fear of saying the wrong thing.

\---

 

Rei excused himself to the bathroom, not expecting to hear sobs coming from one of the stalls. He washed his hands, and hesitated before leaving. 

"Are- are you okay in there?" 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That cliffhanger though!  
> It was my parent's idea, haha. I read them what I had so far, and they were like yesss, post it like that! I apologize :D


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

 

Rei hesitated, waiting for an answer from inside the stall. Finally it came, in a small voice, thick with tears.

"Y-yes."

"Nagisa-kun, is that you?" The door unlocked with a metallic click, then slowly creaked open. Nagisa sat with his back against the metal partition of the stall, hunched into a little ball, knees pulled to his chest and chin resting on them.

"Nagisa-kun, are you sick? I'll go get a nurse and I'll be right back! Don't worry!" He had just turned on his heel to leave the stall when a slight resistance stopped him in his tracks. He looked down, only to see Nagisa holding onto the fabric of his slacks.

"Don't need a nurse," he mumbled, sniffling. Rei knelt down, his eyes leveling with the blond's, close enough to him that he could hear the sharp, quick breaths he was taking. He put his hands on the boy's shoulders.

"Nagisa-kun. You need to regulate your breathing. Breathe with me. In through your nose, and out through your mouth. Slowly. You're going to be alright."

They sat in silence for a few moments, each breathing slowly, rhythmically, until Rei broke it by asking "Are you ready to leave the bathroom?" 

Nagisa shook his head quickly, looking like he might cry again just at the thought. Rei nodded, and sat down more comfortably in the tight space. "Okay, we can sit here until you're ready to go back out there." He smiled reassuringly. "Do you want to talk about whats bothering you?"

Nagisa sat in silence for a second before nodding and inhaling shakily. "My dad hates me."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it's true! He hates me and he always has, just because I'm- because I'm me." His hands were balled tightly into fists, clutching the sleeves of his sweater.

"If there's anything I've learned, Nagisa-kun, it's that knowing who you are, and being able to stand behind yourself one hundred percent, is one of the most important things a person can do. There will always be people who dislike you, for whatever reason. You can't let it hurt you like this. I know it's a bit more difficult when it's your own family...but anyone that doesn't accept you, quite frankly isn't worth your time, or your suffering." Rei spoke confidently, repeating the words his mother had told him time and time again when he'd been bullied by the kids at school, including his own cousins.

"You're right, I know you're right. But it's not as easy as it sounds. I can't just walk away from my own father. I just keep thinking, maybe one day he'll come around. Or maybe one day, I'll find someway to be good enough for him to love me like he loves my sisters. But I know that's not gonna happen." He stared down at the tile floor through thick, teary lashes.

"Rei-chan, can I ask you a question? Like a personal question?"

Rei considered it for only a second before nodding.

"Why are you in here? You don't have to answer. You just...seem so perfect, like you have it all together. Not like most of the other people here. Not like...me." He chewed on a fingernail, nervously waiting for Rei's response.

"No one is perfect, Nagisa-kun. I am here because I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder."

Nagisa nodded slowly, mulling it over before speaking. "Thank you for telling me, Rei-chan."

They sat in silence once more, Rei wondering to himself how much longer they had before someone came looking for either of them. Probably not long. 

Just as he was about to suggest that they go back into the common room, Nagisa spoke up again. "The reason my dad hates me so much is because I'm gay."

Rei was struck with an intense feeling of appreciation for his parents, so full of love and acceptance, and a pang of sadness for his new friend, in so much pain simply because of who he was.

"That's not a reason to hate anyone," he said quietly.

Nagisa let out a shaky breath. "Thank you, Rei-chan. I was so...I was so scared just now, telling you that." He laughed softly, running a hand through his hair. "I think I'm ready to leave the bathroom now." He smiled, eyes lit up, and Rei found himself wondering when Nagisa had last smiled genuinely, before this. Compared to the dull, forced smiles Rei saw from him everyday, this one was bright, and true. It was beautiful.

He stood up and extended a hand to Nagisa, helping him up. They washed their hands in silence, and Rei had a hand on the door handle, ready to open it, when Nagisa stopped him. "Rei-chan? Thank you." And then Nagisa hugged him, gently and quickly, letting go before Rei even had a chance to respond. He watched as Nagisa walked back into the common room with his head held high, and Rei followed him, brilliant warmth coursing through his veins.

 

* * *

 

 

Rin glared across the common room at his sister, perched on the arm of a couch where Momo sat, and next to him someone who must be his brother, the resemblance between them was so striking. Both of the orange haired men were gazing at her in some weird sort of admiration as she talked. Rin looked away and rolled his eyes, relaxing against the back of the chair he sat in, legs crossed casually. It was ten already. Sousuke probably wasn't going to show up. Rin couldn't say he blamed him.

He couldn't believe the nerve of Gou, announcing to him over breakfast that she'd contacted his ex, and then scurrying away as soon as visiting hours started, leaving him a bundle of nerves, tapping his foot and looking towards the door every five minutes, hoping to see broad shoulders and piercing teal eyes, ignoring the pit of disappointment when Sousuke didn't appear.

He looked across the room again, just in time to see Gou laugh loudly, genuinely, and place a hand on Momo's shoulder.

And then there was a hand on his shoulder. "Rin."

His mouth was instantly as dry as the Sahara, and he turned his head slightly to the side, peering up at the source of the voice. Sousuke sat down heavily in the chair beside Rin, hand moving from his shoulder and coming to rest on his forearm.

"I'm sorry."

"I've been so worried."

They spoke at the exact same time, voices overlapping and intertangling. Rin laughed awkwardly. "You first."

"I've been so worried about you, Rin." His normally gruff voice was soft around the edges, emotions sitting just below the surface, instead of in the very depths.

"I'm sorry." He looked up at Sousuke briefly with sharp crimson eyes, peering between strands of hair the same color.

"Don't apologize." Rin's arm was hot where Sousuke's hand rested, making him feel anchored, secure, for the first time in over three months.

"But I _am_ sorry. I never should have treated you the way I did. It wasn't your fault and I took it out on you."

"Rin." Sousuke's voice was insistent, compelling Rin to finally look at him, really look at him. "When Gou called me, she told me what the doctors said. The diagnosis they gave you." His hand left Rin's arm, going instead to his mouth, where he chewed on the nail of his pointer finger. Rin's arm was cold.

"You never used to bite your nails."

Sousuke shrugged.

"You never used to smoke." 

Rin opened his mouth to protest, but Sousuke cut him off. "Your hair reeks."

Rin scowled at him, petulant, and the corners of Sousuke's mouth curled very slightly into something resembling a smile, the change so small that Rin would've missed it had he not been staring at him. 

"Anyway. You don't need to apologize. I saw what my dad went through, how his behavior changed, after what happened to him. The  six months between the robbery at his work, and the time he left us, he was like a completely different person when he had flare-ups. So when Gou told me that they diagnosed you with PTSD, it all made sense to me. I wish..." His speech trailed off and he stared intently at the wall across the room, his eyes cloudy like the depths of the sea.

"What?" Rin prodded, nudging him gently with his elbow. He watched Sousuke struggle to get the words out. He'd never been the best at expressing his emotions, especially the more volatile ones.

"I wish you'd called me sooner. But I get the feeling...since Gou was the one who ended up calling me...that you weren't planning on calling at all."

  
He was gnawing on his nail again. Rin reached out a nervous hand and grabbed Sousuke's, pulling it away from his lips and holding it in his own.

"You're right. I wasn't planning on calling. After what happened, I didn't want to be around anyone, really. Especially you. Hurting you was something I never wanted to do. But I did. And then I couldn't face you. I'm sorry, Sousuke. I'm sor-"

Sousuke cut him off by pulling him to a hug, holding Rin gently to his chest, nose buried in the garnet hair that smelled of smoke and some sort of unscented, cheap shampoo. Rin hesitated, but hugged him back, surprised to find tears in his eyes. The medication they had him on made crying next to impossible, and he hadn't shed a tear in over two months. 

He broke away from the hug, swiping at his eyes. 

"Sousuke, I'm not better yet. I have nightmares. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think my roommate's snoring is someone trying to break in. There's days where I can't stand to be around people. I might be like this for years. I dunno." 

"You just focus on your recovery. Don't worry about me. You went through some fucked up stuff. But you're strong. You got yourself help instead of letting it eat you alive like my dad did." He ran a hand through his hair, shrugging. "Just don't shut me out again, Rin."

"I'll try." He knew he couldn't make any promises, but pushing away Sousuke wasn't something he'd ever wanted to do. He'd just wanted to protect him, from himself.

"And stop smoking, chimney. It's gross."

"You should talk!" Rin laughed, grabbing Sousuke's hands and pointing out the reddened tips of his fingers, the nails much too short.

Sousuke laughed too, a low rumble in his chest, as he watched Rin smile at him, a guarded, shy version of the smile that was once heart stopping in its radiance. 

"I'm glad Gou called you." Rin said quietly.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a /very/ short chapter of Makoharu interaction because I've been writers blocked for 2 months and this has been sitting in my drafts.
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

On his twelfth day of treatment, Makoto noticed something, something besides the dry mouth and persistent headache he'd been noticing every morning for almost two weeks, that his doctor was quick to blame on his medication. When he rolled out of bed, his body felt lighter. His knees didn't ache when he stood up. He let a smile turn up the corners of his lips as he stretched his arms over his head as he did every morning, this time there was no pain searing through his back muscles, and his shoulders did pop as usual, but it felt satisfying, not as if they might pop right out of their sockets.

He had _energy_ , for the first time in as long as he could remember. Instead of taking so long to get to the common room that the nurses fussed and hurried him along for vitals, he was one of the first there, picking up a tray of oatmeal and pouring himself a paper cup of coffee, before taking a sip and wincing. It was his first cup of coffee since arriving at the hospital, and it would be his last. Watery and weak, with stray grounds floating in it, it was so disgusting it was almost offensive to someone who used to get Starbucks every morning before his classes.

The oatmeal, however, was delicious. He was so hungry his stomach felt as if it was about to start a mutiny and begin to eat itself, so hungry he didn't even care that he burned his tongue on the first bite.

And then halfway through the meal, his stomach churned, his throat tightened, and his hands began to shake. The oatmeal was no longer appetizing, instead taking on the appearance of wet construction paper. He pushed away the tray and stared down at the table, his fingers gripping on to the edge of it so hard his nails felt as if they might fold backwards under the strain. 

He had managed to feel normal for all of ten minutes.

But now the aches and pains were back, and he could almost see his skin thinning and falling away from the flesh underneath it.

 _I played pretend long enough. Now it's back to reality,_ he thought, his teeth worrying the inside of his lip, iron residue filling his mouth. _I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here among all these living people, trying to get help so they can get on with their lives. I don't need this kind of help, I don't have a life anymore. I'm dead._

"Makoto?" He startled. There was a hand in front of his face, waving languidly, a pair of unreadable sapphire eyes staring him down. "Are you alright?"

"Oh. Haruka. Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired." And it wasn't a lie. Suddenly, he was inexplicably exhausted, even after the solid ten hours of sleep he'd had.

"I think I'm gonna go back to the room, just lay down for a little bit." He pushed his chair out from the table, meeting Haru's eyes for a split second and finding them sharp with disapproval. 

"That's a bad idea." He said simply, before turning back to his breakfast, his voice betraying none of the emotion his eyes had. 

"You're right, Haruka." Makoto chuckled, running a hand through his hair, feeling chestnut strands snag on the peeling skin of his fingers. "It's frowned upon to stay in bed all day. Thanks."

Haru nodded. "I learned that the hard way," he said by way of elaboration. He stood, picking up his tray. "You done?"

Makoto nodded, and Haru glanced at the half-full bowl of oatmeal pointedly before picking up the tray along with his own and taking them back to the cafeteria cart. 

"Thank you," he said when Haru came back to the table.

Haru ignored his gratitude, letting his hair fall over his eyes as he leaned against the back of his chair. "You should eat more," he said blandly, sipping from the cup of water he always seemed to have with him.

"Oh, I eat. I eat a lot, actually." Makoto's stomach twisted, reminding him of that fact. Of all the pointless calories he consumed, the food doing nothing inside his stomach but sitting there to rot. His digestion had long since stopped. He wiped a sweaty palm on his jeans.

"Makoto. We eat every meal at the same table, right next to each other."

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. It was as if Haru, whom he had just met, and knew absolutely nothing about, saw right through everything he said. He immediately felt the need to defend himself, something he'd never been much good at.

"Yeah, well. I eat. Thanks for your concern." The words fell lamely from his lips, with none of the bite he had intended behind them.

Haru snorted, tossing his head and flicking his bangs out of his eyes. "Okay, Makoto." His voice was cool, almost patronizingly so.

"Look, I don't know w-what you think, but it's not like I have an eating disorder or anything. I eat...when I can. Sometimes it's just a little hard a-and everything looks so disgusting and I don't need it anyway-" He stopped himself abruptly, fully aware that he was just about to spill his guts to his strangely quiet roommate just because he'd said a few choice words in that flat tone of his and provoked him.

"Never mind me, why are you here anyway?" The minute the words slipped past his lips he regretted them, waving his hands wildly in front of him in surrender. "No! Haruka, don't answer that. That's none of my business! Oh! It's time for group!" He stood up, pushing in his chair and turning on his heel to cross the short distance to where other patients were forming the circle. Had he waited a second longer, he would've seen Haru smirk only slightly, a small crack in his composed outer shell, before getting up and following Makoto into the circle and sitting beside him like he did at every group.


End file.
